The Notorious Natalie Kirk

Rekindled

2012-01-26T21:48:00.001-08:00

The Way I Feel

2011-11-06T15:35:00.001-08:00

Destruction of Perfection

2011-11-05T15:40:00.000-07:00

Black to the White

2011-03-27T14:57:00.001-07:00

I played around with some self portraits while my eye was still dilated after surgery.

Spring Break

2011-03-19T14:59:00.000-07:00

I decided on a whim to not only find a way to value my eyesight, which recently I discovered I might have lost if not for surgery, but also see if I could successfully use color pencils. You tell me.

Solarizing in the Darkroom

2011-03-19T14:51:00.000-07:00

The Count Censored

2010-09-15T15:09:00.000-07:00

Because I Have More Important Things

2010-09-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

Thank the Man in the Sky for the internet and cell phones because without them we would never be so surrounded but then left with the sense that we're so incredibly alone. I have a dozen portals of communication through which no one is communicating. I love Facebook for the soul purpose that is makes cyber-stalking possible and socially acceptable but I'm discouraged by the hundreds of people I have as "friends" that I may see their life updates but never really know them and they do not know me.
Facebook; because "liking" someone's status passes for sincerely giving a shit these days.
I used to love Myspace because it was like having my own personal website. I had even created a new one after deleting the one I had had for years but as of recent I deleted that one too. Myspace as of late has shown me, by who still logs on, which people still cling to pathetic high school fads and it has also revealed a whole new level of creepy by the geeks and middle-aged men that add only teenage scene girls with barely any clothing on.
MSN Messenger? Dead.
My email still proves useful. If by useful I mean getting my dad's forwarded jokes are a vital part to my life then yes, I still truly rely on my email account. In seriousness it does make it easier to avoid making phone calls to people who don't shut up but you still have to communicate with. In this case you can read the extensively long and painful message at your leisure and when you respond there is no interruption.

Those this is not related you may find this sight humorous and appalling if you're a liberal like me. If on the contrary you find yourself supportive of it and confused as why I would be against this site then please refrain from reading my blog for you are dead to me. If you're not intelligent enough to figure out where to click to find the website I'm referring to by now, I'm very sad for you but here, I'll make it easier: http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20America/Feminism/feminism_is_evil.htm

By the way, this is the second blog I've had and this is the 30th post, yay?!

New Course of Action

2010-09-05T22:28:00.000-07:00

When I pray I feel I'm not heard because my prayers aren't as valuable as others. I have this feeling that my family members' prayers are heard since they're devout church goers so when they pray and ask for guidance or assistance they're justified. I don't think anyone's prayers should be any less important or heard but for some reason I feel like I'm disrespecting something when I try to pray and always give up. This feeling is not going to result in some life changing epiphany that I need to be a better Christian or religion supporter but I am going to try to be more supportive of myself and try to work out this lack of self worth. If I so strongly believe that organized religion is destructive and to hear that anyone feels they aren't as valuable would appall me then something in my thought process is very jacked up when I try to have a personal relationship with God. That's what I believe in, that spirituality is personal. I think I just feel so alone in my own home and around my own family that's it creates an environment that's nearly impossible to break away from so that I may practice feeling spiritually connected to something. It's cultural too, so out in public, at home, and now in prayer; I'm isolated.

In other news I'm going to become a phlebotomist while simultaneously taking on 15 credit hours. Why? Because Staples decided they no longer needed me after the back to school mania was over. I will be unemployed while I attempt to achieve all this so as to alleviate my load so this better as hell work.

The Storm

2010-08-08T12:44:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about how I don't believe in organized religion. I know I believe in SOMETHING; I mean we contain too much energy to just disintegrate . How can a someone with a spirit as eccentric, colorful, and outlandish as mine just dissolve into nothing once my body can no longer handle the craziness that my soul still requires? I have a tendency to be objective, so I said in my head, "Well, maybe once it's gone it IS gone but it at least has to go out with a bang."

I then imagined my soul's departure and what would be created by something with so much eccentricity once it finally dissipates. I imagined a storm, one that begins with those beautiful looming clouds that give you a thrill adjoined with a sense of fearful uncertainty. They're dark, overwhelming, and powerful, they weaken your sense of stability and control in the world as they humble the arrogance of the sun. They're warning clouds of danger, calling attention to something coming. To me they're exhilarating and I adore them most as they're arriving and you can see them begin to smother places not far from you, soon it will be your turn.

Then the rain begins. We're still in the warning stages with droplets hitting the windshield or lightly dampening your hair as you gather your gardening tools because you didn't heed the warning sooner. Then is stops. At this time disappointment drenches me like the vicious rain that never came but within the hour the clouds keep their promise and the light drops begin again but this time don't lighten their downfall. I love this most while I'm driving home, the smell creeps its way through the air vents also this causes my truck's cab to grow humid and cool. My windshield wipers are progressively forced to quicken and I then form a relationship with the storm. I never truly feel afraid, it's always stimulating, but I do get nervy as my tires lose grip and my line of sight is shortened. You start to take the storm as a personal ambush as you're isolated in a tiny, musical, but dangerous sanctuary. The reason I only enjoy these storms driving home is because once the destination is reached you can then feel accomplished and valiant. Home is also a place you can watch the rest of the storm in solitude without interruption.

I feel disappointment again as pounding becomes tapping and it's gone as quickly as its rage hit full force. I'm not fully abandoned by this beautiful storm, behind its fury the clouds start to break as the sun takes vengeance. It's at this time you take a walk, bike ride, or drive because it's time for the visual gift left behind. Light begins to hit the mountain side in pieces, a quilt of radiance, it's as though the mountain is illuminating itself. The smell lingers for a short time to remind you who granted this visual masterpiece.

In my final departure this is what I will leave behind.

I then imagined my counterparts. The shy, peaceful, and warm souls I imagine wouldn't want to create a rampage but they don't want to leave without making an impression. These souls will be that warm summer breeze; the kind you welcome when heat starts to feels like you're being baked and sweat rolls like it does off a piece of meat in a crock pot. Children playing in a field, someone in their flower garden, and me on my bike or horse will pause, take a deep breath and smile. We're not really sure why but we're flooded with certainty and buoyancy.

This breeze will make its way to an open field where tall grass is growing. I pray I'm lucky enough to pass by and pause to watch it turn the grass back and forth under the sun transforming the blades of grass into green or yellow hair strands under water. The grass with lose gravity and flow playfully.

The breeze is now on the hunt for trees. It seeks out a forest filled with birch trees and the tiny leaves that grow on them. It passes itself through them causing the leaves to flutter like confetti that will never land. Once finished caressing birch trees, the breeze seeks the weeping willow to cheer up its sagging branches. For a short time the willow will be allowed to dance, swaying its tendrils gracefully like long hair falling down a woman's back or ballerina dancer's flighty steps.

These moments the breeze leaves behind are sweet and beloved by all but peaceful and caring like that soul's character.

How will your soul say goodbye?

Zaire

2010-07-21T13:22:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to my friend Laura on her new dance partner, Zaire! This is for you:

Closest I'm Going to Get

2010-07-15T22:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't been diligent about blogging but I'm always diligent about writing my friend on a mission so since the letters don't hold anything worrisome or personal beyond what I'd normally blog about, I'll just repost letters I write. Pretend you're Devin.

Devin-
I fell yesterday…hard…
Several times a week I take my bike on the Legacy Parkway Trail to get to the barn or sometimes I’ll just take the whole trail and that lands me in North Salt Lake. I really adore my new hobby bicycling but yesterday after riding Sugar I was biking home and taking a turn I have to take ALL THE TIME but THIS TIME a dusty patch and speed took my wheels right out from under me. *CRASH!*

I’ve got hamburger for knuckles and several bruises and abrasions all over but my heart was mostly broken up over the damage to my brand new bike. The front wheel was severely bent and the handlebar tape shredded. A nice gentleman came biking behind me and gave some assistance. I had to remove the front wheel and I walked it and the frame to a main road all the while trying to get a hold of someone in my family but to no avail. Then a nice stranger pulled over in a truck and offered me a ride. If I wasn’t injured with a broken bike I would have politely declined but I really did need this ride.

I got home, took a shower and immediately loaded my bike in my truck to take it to the shop I bought it from with tears in my eyes because I was really torn up about having wrecked my prized possession. It’s like destroying the new car some kids get at as gift when they turn 16. I explained to the nice man about my accident and he informed me that the bike was not in that bad of shape and a new wheel and handlebar tape is pretty inexpensive. I was surprised by the price of the wheel being so decent. I was not though, pleased with the handlebar tape but it is nice tape and considering I got my bike back within 24 hours and for under $50 I am satisfied. If you need a bike when you get home I’ll definitely be showing you this place. When I went to purchase the bike I wasn’t sure what to expect. I had read articles that you need to avoid the places that just have you stand next to it and they decide the seat height and send you on your way. I was there for about an hour while he fixed the bike to fit me just right. It’s Natalie made and I love it. It’s pretty too! I was sad when I decided to move up to a bike that doesn’t cause my hands to go numb because I was so in love with my last bike’s character. I told you about it being teal and I had pink handlebar tape put on. I was lucky enough to find a beautiful teal and white bike made by a company owned by a woman so the women’s bikes are specifically tailored and special care is taken to make sure that the bike’s design fits women. Score!

I had a job interview today at Motel 6 and the woman was adorable and I’m more than pretty sure I’ve got the job in the bag but I also had an interview last week at Fashion Bug and they’ve called me back for a second interview next Monday. Today is Thursday, second interview is Monday and Motel 6 will let me know on Saturday. I’m being put between a rock and a hard place. If Motel 6 says yes I will feel pretty stupid declining a job since I’ve been looking for one for over two months but I want this second interview with Fashion Bug and I would really prefer Fashion Bug schedule wise and stuff. Plus, I feel like if I stay with Fashion Bug and work really hard I can maybe work my way up to assistant manager and stuff like that. Motel 6 has benefits and stuff but I would be working all holidays and she wants to put me at the front desk because she likes my personality but would be happy to let me do housekeeping on one day a week. I don’t really like the front desk but this woman was so sweet and she seems like she’d be a great manager. Fashion Bug seemed really strict and it’s full of women, young women, which makes me worry about possible drama. I would have to always put on a show and dress fancy but Motel 6 probably has a uniform type deal. I don’t really know what I want. I’m really torn now. I prayed for somewhere to call and offer me a job and now I’ve got two. I would decline Motel 6 but what if after I go to all the effort of a second interview they don’t end up choosing me? So I’m thinking on Saturday when she calls and if she offers me the job, I’ll inform her I have another place I’ve got to interview and I would ask if I could wait until Wednesday to make a choice to take the position. I think it makes me look really bad but I don’t really know what else I should do. I would really like to just go to this interview on Monday.

I don’t really have much else to report about except for my skin blistering from eczema as a result of too much sweat+heat+sun. Write soon.

Natalie

Another One Done

2010-06-24T20:25:00.000-07:00

I've started drawing again and here's my most recent;

Keep in Mind

2010-06-05T23:37:00.000-07:00

Something I've always been very ashamed of is my impatience when training my horse. I expect a lot from her because she's intelligent and quick to learn so when things aren't going my way I become frustrated and forget something very important; what my horse has done for me.
I was taking a walk this evening thinking about how I am grateful for horses. The first reason that came to mind was that they teach the world what kind of person we are when the going gets tough. The saying goes as we all know, "You have to get back on the horse." There are those that fall and will never step foot in a stirrup again and then there's those of us who can't wait to get their ass back in the saddle willing to fall again and again until it's done right. Falling is learning to dust yourself off, buck up, wipe off the blood, wrap the broken bone, and face your fears again until you no longer have doubt in yourself. Falling is a gift we all take for granted, we forget that without falling we cannot learn to get up. Falling is a word for all kinds of disappointment and pain in life whether it's the physical, emotional, or psychological. For me, the physical falls from a horse have defined my character, I would not be the person I am without having fallen and then watched myself get back on that horse and ride. When I fail I remember how capable I am, how many horses have taught me the beauty of a fall and that you should never allow yourself to stay dismounted. There is only one horse I never got back on but it was not by choice, I was bucked off and tore the ligaments in my shoulder making it impossible to continue riding that day. If given the chance though, I would not hesitate getting back on that horse and proving there is nothing to fear, just like Churchill says, but fear itself.
This leads me to my main point; my lack of patience. After reflecting on the art of falling I continued to think of how much we owe horses and how much we take for granted about them and this led to the realization that it's alot to ask of any creature to haul you around all day on their back. I'm talking about how patient horses must be with us because weighing in at half a ton means they are in no way incapable of rejecting and ejecting any sorry soul unwillingly to realize the facts. How many living things with free agency do you know that would be subjected to this treatment, being used to carry your ass over jumps, in the mountains, and at 45 mph around a track? I can't think of many, and this includes people I love and depend on. Not one person I know would agree to this but there's a little horse I know that would. This is not to say they are willingly whipping posts for I have had numerous horses use their abilities to eject me. There's one horse I must mention because it was the first horse that made me realize that it's not a free ride, it's a compromise. This horse is Taffy, a little sorrel Arabian mare with an attitude. She was a horse not taking orders and I had the sense she did not in fact enjoy her job as a riding horse and made a point to prove that to you. I was having a jumping lesson on her one day that was not going very smoothly, everytime we landed over a fence she would buck me off. Turns out I was being lazy and not engaging any core or back muscles and relying completely on her to carry me around. What this means is that I would just lay my weight on her neck over a fence and this in turn forced her to push off the ground with more effort and land with her weight combined with mine on her front feet. So once back on the ground she wanted the heavy pest off until they could learn to ride in the educated sense of the word, it's like her actions and aura were screaming, "Listen, I weigh quite a bit and it takes enough effort to get myself over that fence, I'm not packing your weight over it too! So until you can figure out my center of gravity and get balanced, GET OFF!"
I went home in tears after that day's lesson but look what I have gained.
So after today's walk and realization I have a new found respect and definitely I will practice my patience keeping in mind that at any moment her patience may run out and leave me in quite a frightening position. We must learn to appreciate what is being given to us each day and never take a good opportunity to learn for granted.

20 lbs

2010-06-05T12:16:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last week in Washington and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I should, would, and could write more about it and I will eventually get around to posting about it but today I'm starting a diet.
I want to lose 20 pounds! I attempt here and there to eat heathly and exercise but I haven't buckled down about it in awhile and it's time I start taking it seriously. Thankfully, I'm only doing this out of vanity and not neccessity, therefore, if I relapse I don't need to feel discouraged about my health and well being, only my self image. I figure if I record my progress, I'll be less likely to secretly give up and plus there's a bonus with keeping track of what you eat everyday.
I lost alot of weight after the first year of high school and for over two years I maintained it but once I graduated I started to put on weight. I put most of the blame on no longer taking Adderall combined with stress eating and with a snap of the fingers I gained 25 pounds. I am determined to at least lose 20 or 15 because I will admitt to being underweight before so if I can just feel more confident, that's all that matters to me.
So here it goes!

Weight: 150 lbs
Height: 5'7"
Day one:
I have started the day carelessly and snatched two cold, mini pancakes out of the fridge. In a small attempt to be healthy I looked desperately for my sugar free jelly but apparently it's been eaten up by my family.

1 Out of 1,000,000

2010-05-09T23:39:00.000-07:00

Here's my Mother's Day post like masses of others are posting. It's been a rough ride raising us but we're pretty capable in some departments of life. For this I thank you. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! What an amazingly hardcore human being.

This God Forsaken Land

2010-05-09T01:45:00.000-07:00

What's grounding me from attempting every young person's dream? Attempting the desire to pack up my things, get a passport, buy a ticket and get the hell out of here. The thing keeping most of you back is fear but I have no fear, only desire to flee. What holds me then? Aside from some minor details I could look past, the main reason is that horse. The horse that can't even fulfill the needs for me to be successful in the sport of riding. She's holding me back from so much including more riding and training because she costs too much for me to dedicate finances to better my education in riding. She holds me in this God forsaken state and holds me from exploring the world and living the life I want. So you're question now is what's going on in my mind that I choose to keep her. Well, there are the factors including how hard it is to sell and get a good price these days, I'm safe in the place I'm in and with things the way they are, and I fear life with out horses but I DO NOT fear picking up and leaving life to try something new. The real reason? The big deciding factor? Passion, my favorite word comes up again in deciding my life. Passion for horses, riding, and the like. Sugar is my passion, she was my first passion and I love her. She is like my child with her imperfections and all. Like any care giver will tell you there are days you want to say "this is for the birds" but then there are the days you can't imagine anything in the world more perfect than to surround yourself with your passion and those days are the deciding factors. I fear though that the bad days are out numbering the good and my favor of choice is waning. What would I do without my Sugar?

Happy BIRTHDAY! My baby's 6!

CROSS COUNTERY'S A BLAST! She took to it like a pro!

Natalie (Not responding)

2010-05-07T19:05:00.001-07:00

Can you contro+alt+delete life?

Facebook Gets Angry

2010-05-01T01:50:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking of a post I'd like to put up on Facebook but after pondering it for a little while it occurred to me I will likely get some attitude. It would seem that people disagree and get all tiffy just for the pure sake of argument. I feel safety posting here because less people read it and it's not really interactive because you either like what I have to say or don't and if you don't they you're welcome to not visit my blog anymore as opposed to worrying about maintaining some sort of relation on Facebook to keep a real life one from being a disaster. I'm this | | close to snapping and this attitude has nearly led me to leave Facebook and Myspace for the sake of losing the desire to drop subtle hints or back handed comments as status updates or just flat out sending a message I don't have the balls to say out loud. It's a good thing I refrain from these actions for I feel I would have many regrets and very few online friends. I'm craving at this very moment to tell someone where they can stick it and I've also done that ridiculous subtle hint thing but I am aware that there is no one that can relate it to them so I'm not concerned.

It's at this moment that I'm boiling over a girl asking for my assistance with her horse. Last night I rode with a friend and she asked my opinion on her jump position. It was terrible but I did my best to assist her but I'm growing irritating because she's learning to jump on a horse that's learning to jump and they're both frustrated. I asked to get on and I took him over a few fences. I felt it was good for him and I'm not entirely sure what she's got an issue with. I received a text later in the night accusing me of pushing him too hard and how he's going to be terribly sore but it'll be alright because he's forgiving... Kaaaaaaay....what? So I'm SORRY I did a favor and I'm sorry you feel that way and I apologize you did not alert me to his training or fitness status but instead give an impression that you have a problem you are having issues with and want help. So excuse me? He'll forgive me? I respected this owner and respected this horse but I honestly could not give a shit if he "forgives" me. Forgives me for what? Animals brains don't work like that as much as we would like to give them human characteristics. I'm fuming over this for a number of reasons. I live in two worlds, normal land and the barn. The barn is full of a bunch of crazies and the only reason I keep going back is for my horse. I wear earphones and keep my tack very far from everyone else and for good reason, because they're all psycho. Once in awhile I break my regime and make some buddies and it's always a mistake. My advice? If you're friends with someone who owns horses passionately and you feel defensive right now just wait, they'll reveal their true selves. I'm like them, I wont deny being nuts but we really shouldn't allow all of them to gather and organize. So my real irritation is stemming from knowing gossip now exists and I'm being portrayed as who-knows-what to a bunch of people I was warming up to and trying to stay friendly with knowing they will be beneficial friends to have the respect of later so there went that and I'm also insulted to be talked to like that, as though I'm cruel and negligent and he'll "forgive me" fuck this shit I wont be treated like this isn't my passion and I don't have an undying love for the well being of horses so that girl may find a new riding buddy. I'd borderline sell my baby to escape this world but without Sugar the normal world would mean nothing.

Thanks for the vent and the real reason I blogged this morning was to say that skinny jeans(oh my God don't get me started on leggings and what they've become but you can read this person's opinion) make your butt look big and when you continuously pierce the rim of your ear and you don't have earring variations, it looks like a bunch of rhinestone covered ticks stuck to your ear. I have my ears pierced but alteast I knew when to give it a break. Oh that brings me to gauging...um...haven't we spent our lives complaining about big ears? What is this now? A statement? This wonderful image I found off Google though seems to bring to my attention that this new fad could be quite a handy body alteration. Kudos to this gentleman in using this hideous what could normally be shunned as a freakish birth defect now turned fashion into a very handy, but not stylish, hole for utility.

To leave you on a better note I saw Kick Ass (more like BAD ASS!) today and I liked it but my metal plate filled face ached with every punch . I also watched Dr. Strangelove(funny as hell) and Grimm Brothers Tale of Terror: Snow White(meh). The two latter mentioned movies I just watched off Hulu if those were something you wanted to see. My goal is to watch The Horse Boy in the near future and also read the book because psychology and horses are two of my passions and it would seem that this story combines them.

I promise to dedicate tomorrow to homework and get along with everyone(ha! Let's see how THAT goes).

Here's a pic for laughter while I'm careless stealing images off Google

I'm Awesome

2010-04-22T13:15:00.001-07:00

I don't rightly know why but I adore this song, so uplifting.

2010-04-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

http://vimeo.com/1274612

Scissors from Amir on Vimeo.

Sunday, 'Cause That's My Fun Day

2010-04-11T11:59:00.000-07:00

Another Sunday spent lying around the house with greasy, unwashed hair, and a long night shirt. I always promise myself I'll get some extra studying done but I seem to always end up on the laptop playing Freecell, checking Facebook, and watching Youtube videos. Why do I do these things instead of something atleast slightly productive? The thing about the internet is you can promise, "just one more video" or "just one more game and I'll quit I swear" or "I'm just going to check my email and bank statement" of course this turns into three more hours of videos and googling obscure topics. Damn me and my unproductive nature.

So I've had x-rays taken of my spine to check for cysts because I've lost senstation in my left thigh. I'm positive I'm just fine but whatever they have to do in order to refer me to someone that can fix my painful lower back.

My Fair Gentleman

2010-03-27T22:53:00.000-07:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

The Hair

2010-03-20T18:32:00.000-07:00

I knew when I started working for a vet clinic that euthanasia was going to become regular in my life. I felt I would handle this fact just fine considering nothing to me has much shock value and so far it really hasn't bothered me. My eyes get misty and my nose will burn when someone that comes in regularly finally makes the difficult choice or when someone comes in expecting some pills and leaves without their best friend of 14 years because they never saw cancer coming and had no idea how severe it had really become. Those break my heart because I feel for them, I remember being informed there's nothing they could do for my cats, one year one contracted diabetes and her kidneys shut down, They next year my other cat had renal failure. Neither Chloe nor Smokey was very old and other than weight loss, they kept it secret like most cats do. You live your life on a day to day basis, eating, working, sleeping, and occasionally(or constantly) checking Facebook. Your pets are there and you can't imagine life without them, but at the same time they've become such a constant that you take it for granted that they ARE there and they AREN'T always going to be.

Chloe, my first "real" pet came to be mine when I was ten years old. I've loved animals my whole life growing up in a household that hated them so when I was finally allowed to have a kitten, life felt a little more whole. Chloe was a little pill, she'd scratch and she'd bite but I loved her dearly. It took quite awhile for her to settle down into a sweet, affectionate cat. I have fond memories of seeing my animal-loathing mother take a nap with Chloe(and eventually Smokey) tucked in close beside her. Chloe meant alot to me and a year after getting her I was allowed a dog. I picked a cute little Cocker Spaniel and life again felt a little closer to whole. With Lucy at my side, I became the first 13 year old to become certified with Delta Society and Intermountain Therapy Animals. I only had Lucy a year before she was struck by a car in front of my house when she uncharacteristically ignored my calls and dashed into the street. It was a tragic accident but who was still there when I needed to cry? Chloe. I did get another dog, Nikki, whom I gave away several years later to a wonderful family with small children.

This cat had some serious attitude. Chloe climbed the Christmas tree, sat regal on the window seal, and would bring multiple live, dead, and randomly dismembered rodents/bugs home to share. She once brought three uncracked bird eggs and neatly lined them up in a row in front of our door. Cats always looked so proud and then so utterly confused when you would yell and chase them or snatch the kill from in front of them and run with paper towl in hand to the garbage. I felt terrible when I would get those bewildered stares, "You didn't like it? I made sure to get a bigger one this time and you still don't like it?" Smokey was a wonderfully sweet thing but she couldn't catch an already wounded moth to save her life, she left the dirty work for Chloe.

Another fun thing about cats is that they MUST know what you're doing at all times. No door can be discovered shut or you're either looking at paws scrabbling underneath or the hind end furiously attempting get out. A cat is unsatisfiable inside or out, it just stands in the door jam to block you from attempting something so ridiculous again. Every cat's meow is different too. Chloe's was long, deep, and rough where as Smokey's was short, high pitched, and airy.

I noticed Chloe's weight loss but wasn't taken seriously until she became lethargic. We took her to the vet and they ran some blookwork. She had diabetes and her body was in the stages of shutting down. They suggested I take her home for a week and make my choice to say goodbye. I will admitt to holding on too long after that because I didn't go back a week later, it took me month to find the day had come. In defense, she was eating, playing, jumping on the bed, and purring. I woke up one morning to find all of those behaviors had stopped and she wasn't Chloe anymore, she was sick and suffering. We took her back to the vet that same day and alone in the exam room I said goodbye to one of my most dependable, and understanding friends. I was 15 and didn't even imagine I would have to say goodbye so soon. As I mentioned earlier, Smokey followed soon after the next year with failed kidneys. I didn't receive much of an explanation for little young Smokey's renal failure but it didn't change the diagnosis and the fact she needed to be euthanized also. Like the year prior I was alone in the same room saying goodbye.

For me the day of realization that they were truly gone and I would never see them again was pathetically a few MONTHS later. Yes, months. This shall be a testament to how difficult it is to get rid of pet hair. When I would change my sheets and lay fresh ones down there were always little funny striped hairs on them and I would always look for them and think of Chloe. One day I put new sheets on and looked only to find there was not a single hair to be found. That's the day I laid down on my half-made bed, held a pillow, had a good cry, and said goodbye for good. Sometimes I still look for hairs even though it's been five years and there are none but it's ok because they were a part of my life, an important part regardless of how short, and that is all I should hold onto.

Being rebellious, I snuck a kitten home a year later and as God as my witness, she was a better KITTEN than Chloe. We'll never know if she could shine a light on Chloe as an adult cat because a few weeks after having her fixed and declawed, my brother let her outside and a dog I would walk when I was a kid ran into our yard and caught her. I got that cat knowing that animals only bring heartache so I put no effort into giving her a special name, I merely called her Kitty. Kitty is where it ends for me and pets.

You may think I'm a little nutty for grieving over my pets so much but you have to understand that without animals, I would have lost all faith in the world a very, very long time ago. They've taught me more about psychology than years of school ever could. They've taught me patience, compassion, body language, and unconditional loyalty. I also lose my animals and it shines a light on how fragile life is as I know it. Now I'm saying goodbye to a cat, tomorrow it could be my mother and maybe even one day my own child. Handling the grief when I was young has allowed me to recognize the pain and also taught me how to work through it. I like to imagine that I will be better able to cope with a real loss in the future.

Kitty and Nikki (I don't have any of Lucy, Chloe, or Smokey on the computer):

I Love the Trolololo Man

2010-03-19T21:16:00.000-07:00

Trololo Man
The story of the Trololo man is not very significant but he's found a place in my heart and mind, bringing joy and laughter always.

I will soon be purchasing a shirt and button with with his face on it. Team new kind of Eduard!

I Hate You. I'm Just Kidding No But Seriously.

2010-03-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

Gr, I need something terrible and traumatic to happen so I have something to blog about! I'm only funny and full of stories when my life sucks. I'm not saying it's fantastic right now but it's also not that bad. I have one or two things; my boss hit me in the face where I have metal plates with his stethoscope and that one of the most painful things this year. My brow bone is still super sensitive. Second thing is a girl in my class plagiarized another artist's work and I'm royally pissed about it. Why? A big part of my irritation is that fact that it's a horse and I've been in college for two years wracking my brain as to how I can incorporate a horse into my works but in reality, if you want to introduce something no one's ever seen, you can't really do it with horses, bowls of fruit, and celebrities. Oooh, what if I combined all three!? That's beside the point, the point is that this girl completely B.S.'ed the assignment and replicated another artist's work. She could have atleast done something no one's ever seen, this thing she copied is yards away inside the UMFA! What defense does she have? Well, that that artist makes her's out of metal. No... she puts it all together with drift wood and then yes, she casts it in bronze. She doesn't do it so it's metal, she does it to sell! I really hope this student doesn't get away with it.

I Want You To Be Happy

2010-03-03T22:17:00.000-08:00

According to Unique and Bizarre Holidays, today is I Want You To Be Happy Day. I wish I had discovered this holiday this morning because I would have sincerely celebrated it. I truly do want you to be happy, fulfilled, inspired, loved, and full of vitality.

I was going to write my regular post of how my life is a disaster and obnoxiously humorous but I'm now enlightened and my heart has softened so instead I'll head to bed and try to relax and forget about my frustrations. Being 11:11 pm right now, I wish you to be happy and I wish you a good night.

You Like Me, Right Now, You Like Me

2010-02-27T19:19:00.000-08:00

Sally Field's quote when she accepted her Oscar could not have better described the thoughts going through my head as I experienced the moment I've awaited my whole life; "I can't deny the fact that you like me, right now, you like me!"

Thursday was critique in my 3D Studio class and the assignment was to create a subjective self portrait out of high fire ceramic. I will be attaching a photograph so I do not need to describe what I did and I don't feel like going into detail about its meaning. I spent multiple weeks and hours outside of class working on this and I wont lie and say it was all successful time spent. The first glaze attempt was a disaster and it broke in several places. Sleep was lost and tears were shed trying to complete this. The night before the critique I stayed up decoupaging and ended up with an hour of sleep until heading off to class. I hid it in my coat and wouldn't let people see. I was horrified of what they'd say. I've never done well in these critiques and I've left with my head hanging many times, especially in the 3D Studio classes. I don't know why I chose this field because I'm paying tuition to have people judge me.

When I finally pulled my piece out and set it on the table, I tried not to sit next to it but everyone knew it was mine, they had seen me working on it. My instructor kept eyeing it. This is the same instructor I had just recently had a nasty email battle with and I was horrified of his critical eyes. I also hate the student's judgements at these things, they try to be nice but the teachers always pressure us to say negative things.

The critique began and they briefly went over some of the pieces, and we explained the meaning behind our pieces. The instructor is trying to press us to learn how to analyze art and it's obvious these kids aren't getting it. I'm usually better on my game but like I mentioned before I was going on one hour of sleep. I made a witty comment which I need to stop doing because I've already had a few confrontations with this teacher and they laughed and we continued. After awhile of frustration he paused and there was an awkward boredom silence and he finally said, "Now I want to talk about Natalie's piece." OH.MY.GOD I though, WHY!? So he told everyone to gather 'round and I offered to move it and he said no, everyone has legs. So he first tries to get everyone to analyze what they see till he gives up and takes over. Then he starts just tearing into it, he brought up how everything worked for it. The color, negative space, use of pattern, shape, and scale. He mentioned how he always warns to never uset text but even my use of it worked and complemented the piece, it drew the eye.

To conclude the lecture he apologized if someone felt left out and to not have hurt feelings if their's wasn't given much analysis. He then said that he would continue and do everyone's but to critique anything after mine wouldn't be fair and an insult because nothing can match it. He said you get what you give and later when I walked up and thanked him he said that no one else spent time like I did and it showed. I could've cried! I've never been so complimented in my life. I've waited forever to be the kid everyone hates because I set the bar, I made them look bad. THEY RESENT ME! SUCCESS!

So here's the picture of my work and if you don't like it (I don't blame you, I'm not all that impressed with my work either) then that just goes to show how poor the artistic skills of Utahn's are.

Fine I'll Post My Fotog

2010-02-21T14:28:00.000-08:00

Update!

2010-02-17T22:23:00.000-08:00

So I figured I should post something, anything because it's been awhile and I need to appear active. Nothing funny has happened, well...it has but I'm not laughing. Usually this shit that keeps happening to me is funny but really I'm just miserable and unhappy. I'm starting to get really annoyed and depressed. I usually snap out of a nasty attitude pretty quick and especially as soon as someone tries to get me to crack a smile but not recently.

One annoying tid bit, a "friend" called, asked how I was doing and wanted to know if I had plans Saturday( I figured they were going to MAYBE makeup for blowing me off on my birthday). Turns out they need my help moving because I have a truck. They made it sound like I should be incredibly thrilled for them getting a house. No, I mean yes, it's nice they got a house but don't call to inform me of it by asking me to help you move. Yes I have a truck, no I will not help you move.

I hate life right now and just want to cry some more but I hate looking like a pussy.

Gone Tubing

2010-02-09T21:49:00.000-08:00

Sledding !!!

Meow That's Funny

2010-02-09T19:09:00.000-08:00

I love to laugh and if demeaning my intelligence by broadening my sense of humor to immature comments so I may laugh more, then so be it. I love "that's what she said" and I'll list my top ten favorites I've heard:

1. Get in, I said all the way in( I accidentally called "that's what she said" in a college class when I heard this one)
2. Hey, can you help me up? (this one is a "that's what HE said" but it still counts)
3. I need you to put some lube in here. (Oh my God, my coworker and I nearly shit ourselves when our boss asked us to refill the lube containers for thermometers)
4. I wish it came in a bigger size, this one doesn't fit.
5. Oh yeah, I'm open to everything ( Yes Angie, you are)
6. I'm having trouble getting this to fit, I think it's too short.
7. That has to be a minimum of 3 inches or it wont be enough
8. Ew, I hate it when it's hard and cold. ( this one's hard to explain but it's a funny story and fit's perfectly to a "that's what she said")
9. I think you missed
and the classic mistake everyone makes by saying... 10. Is it in yet?

Comfort Food

2010-02-09T07:12:00.000-08:00

After the terrible customer service at the University cafe I took a sip of my hot beverage, burning my tongue I opened my box that I chose from tunder the heat lamps only to find something I suspected, stale, stiff, aged cheese sticks. Hungry non-the-less I started to devour but to my misery my burned tongue was unable to give me the satisfaction of tasting this fattening choice of food I was now regretting for the sake of my thighs.

Disappointed, I turned for comfort from my now cooled off coffee only to have it hit my mouth and remind me that, being adventurous, I had chosen tea. What was I thinking? I hate tea. I opened the dip for the cheese sticks only to have red tomatoe sauce splatter across my favorite white sweatshirt.
It's as if the universe was punishing me for not just sticking to my health plan and drinking the protein shake I had packed myself.

I pondered what my misfortune would look like to strangers witnessing if I pretended to be blind. Instead of appearring like an idiot incapable of feeding myself, they would applaud my valiant effort at managing so much of my life without assistance. The sad thing is that a person with a disability is likely more successful than me at completely daily tasks that I've been doing for years, feeding myself for example. I thought about this while I reached for my cup of tea to take a sip and ended up spilling it all over my lap. Now I'm covered in tomatoe sauce with tea soaking the crotch of my pants. How must this look to people? This concluded my attempts of having a meal so I tossed the half full container of tea towards the trash; it didn't make it. My pants, shirt, and now the floor are covered in the evidence of what happens when I try to do simple things by myself.

Cabin Pressure Romance

2010-01-30T16:41:00.001-08:00

So I have a fun story that currently seems to be ending sadly.

I spent a wonderful Christmas at my father's place but the true beginning is the end of that trip. I was waiting in line at Seattle Airport's security when a woman was brought to the front of the line in a wheel chair and I observed as she was allowed to cut in front of the rest of standing society and was then passed on to another employee. Now granted she was elderly and I'm going to announce that I really don't have a problem with the situation, it's just an event that sparked the flame of the beginning of our story. Jokingly, I turned around to make a remark about the episode I just witnessed and happened to turn to a rather attractive gentleman and said", Are there times you consider faking a disability so life can be a tid bit more luxurious? You ever consider it for the sake that you would be able to do almost anything socially unacceptable but everyone would just avert their eyes because confronting you would make them look like an ass?"

Thankfully he agreed or I would have myself looked like an ass since it really wasn't an appropriate question to ask a stranger but I think we're all aware that things sound better in my head than when I verbalize the thoughts(Well, I guess you'd all be aware if people reading this knew me personally. I'm the type of person people say, "It IS Natalie, did you expect something different, really?). He made some witty remarks too that I beg my mind to remember but my digging is fruitless because it's not coming back to me. We continued to talk until the line broke and we split ways. His farewell is one of my favorites, he said, "Take care." I love it and always have, it's the only goodbye that gives a sense of sincerity and it's as easy as saying, "stay cool" but without the revolting intelligence of a juvenile. This was our first encounter and I was sure it was the last, in fact I hoped it would be because I looked aweful that day. I had caught a cold and for the last two days been terribly sick. I had had time to shower that morning but it's all I cared to do considering I was certain anyone I would see at the airport would never see me again. So I was clean but my face had broken out while there and open sores littered my usually clear complexion. I didn't have makeup on to hide these blemishes either. You know those days you just feel gross, the one's where you're embarrassed to let people look at you and it usually inhibits your ability to communicate? I will remind you though that I was certain I would never see these people again and so had no fear of creating humorous conversations.

I'm so sociable when I don't have a phobia of having to ever interact with the person again that I made another little buddy for about seven minutes. We walked around together finding out where the right gates were for our flights. I'm sure we would have continued the journey together but he had to head towards where Delta boards and I was flying Southwest.

As I made my way to my boarding area I saw him again, the boy whom wished me to take care. I thought to myself how funny to see him again but didn't really put much of my attention to the matter for he was on the phone and I was still in the mindset of never seeing people again. I also was preoccupied with locating the direction I needed to head in order to reach my destination.

I succeeded in reaching my gate and sat down to make a few phone calls and there, walking by me was this beautiful kind sir again. I shook my head and considered how I was surrounded by several gates containing flights all over the country for people heading home after the holiday and the likelihood of him being on my flight was slim. I continued with my conversation letting him slip my mind. Then they called the first set of boarders up and I jumped in line and to my astonishment he was a few people in front of me and I thought to myself, if the seat next to him is open and I don't have to put any effort into it, I'll sit next to him so that we might both laugh at the irony.

Once on the plane I did discover the seat next to him open but sadly there was another gentleman in the aisle seat that I would need to get by in order to put myself in the that opening. I told myself no, don't do it, just find yourself a nice comfortable window seat but the curiousity was butchering my better judgement. I wish now that I had followed my conscience to save me the sadness I'm feeling now. I politely asked the sweet man in the aisle seat if I could please sit next to him and he obliged. I was grateful for the fact that the kid from the security line had not noticed me yet and was occupied with something in his backpack. My gratitude for going unnoticed would continue as I lifted my 30lb baggage into the overhead compartment with great difficulty and clumsily struggled to nearly climb over the man to reach my seat and then shove my other bulky bag under my feet. I fought with my coat still going unnoticed(thank God), until I finally settled and folded my hands on my lap. It was at that very moment his attention shifted to me and the timing could not have been more perfect because I, for the first time in five minutes, had gathered back a little bit of grace. It was then that our wit-filled and thoroughly entertaining conversation began and it held it's vibrant light for the next 2 1/2 hours. I ridiculed the LDS religion while giving him some information about it because having grown up around it and IN it I was able to answer a few questions but since I'm bitter I wasn't a very good missionary. We laughed and joked but it was also one of the few intelligent conversations I've had. It's so hard to find intellectual people these days, I'm telling you, it's like pulling teeth trying to meet people you get along with in all fields of conversation. He was actually from the same city my dad lives in and is currently attending UW but has considered the UofU to transfer to after his bachelors is finished in the spring so that he may pursue a masters. I admitted a desire to attend UW because the UofU art program is a joke. He was traveling to Salt Lake to spend New Year's with some family or friends, I don't remember. We walked together all the way to baggage claim and I told myself, don't tell him your name and don't learn his.

Finally the sad moment came when we parted ways. I made a quick joke as I got on the escalator, "and I shall be the girl on the plane without a name."
He replied, "By the way! My name's Christopher!"
DAMN! I didn't want to know that!
I responded saying, "Oh and that's one of my favorite names too, good bye!" The guilt hit quick so I quickly added, "I'm kidding! My name's Natalie!"
DAMN! I didn't want to tell him that!

I walked to the car, threw my bags in and shook my head, no, no, no, please don't go back. It was a fun conversation and that's all it ever should be. No, I sadly didn't follow my better judgement yet again and ran back down the hallway, nearly fell down the escalator, and haulted just as I reached past the doors to stop and look around but... he... was... gone... Sad but good in the long run Natalie, you know better than to talk to boys and know MUCH better than to like them. You've always put your heart out there and you've only been let down. This is good even though you don't feel like that now, later you'll be satisfied.

When I got home I continued my day as normal but later that night I called my friend, a friend that, in fact, reminded me of my plane buddy. The difference between these two fellows is that plane boy laughed at my jokes and was taller. My friend's advice was to post a missed connection on Craig's list. I felt this idea was scary and ridiculous so I ignored him and a week goes by until I get a text from my friend asking me what the name of the guy from the plane was again. I asked why and he said, "because he just did what I told you to do."
Oh my God, no way, I thought. My heart started to race and I ran through possibilities in my head of how this could all be a hoax. I had begged in my mind that he would try to find me. Could have really made an attempt? Is this finally my time to have good fortune?
I checked the post and sure enough there was one. I fervently replied. Hour after hour I had my friends texting me and asking me if I'd heard back and I sadly got sucked into the excitement too. It was a week before I got a reply.

The reply was very disconnected and impersonal but sweet at the same time. I was left very confused and so my response was short and I've never heard back. I did send a second email that I regret even though it was completely sane, I just wish I'd listened to myself and never told him my name or even learned his.

Now I will explain why I don't tell men I encounter my name. I've been let down so many times that I'm tired. I've resolved to never attempt dating until I've finished my degree and I have time to devote the emotional energy and effort it takes to date people. No one I've ever liked or dated has turned out to benefit my life. So many creeps, stage 5 clingers, and arrogant jerks litter our planet and I will play a forever waiting game to be proven wrong that all men are your enemy. Once in awhile I get sucked into a delusion of thinking someone nice and possibly decent would like to stay in contact(this story for example). I blame myself when I shouldn't though maybe it is my fault. Maybe I am nuts and completely incapable of recognizing it. I'll spend weeks questioning what's wrong with me, look, it's been a month since this even happened and it still upsets me. Crushes are lethal, they damage my esteem more than they are fun. When I don't have a crush I live a happy and whole life. I knew I was making an incredibly huge mistake sitting next to him and beg to go back in time and find that window seat I should have chosen instead. What prompted me to choose against my better knowledge and judgement? What drew me to this person? Why does it still haunt me when I can't even remember his face or more than half of what we talked about? How sick it is to dwell but it's not really him that I think about, it's me, it's this cycle again of what I do wrong but what do I do right? I do try to drop hints constantly to people that I hate physical contact, kissing, and romance in general. If that doesn't convince someone to stop talking ot me then I might consider them a worthy person to know.

I really should leave this as a private post but I don't see anyone reading it and I frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn. If anyone does read this by chance and you're curious as to what the post and emails said, leave me comment and let me know, I'll attach links.

To conclude, My true love is out there somewhere and they can go fuck themselves.

God Bless Public Transportation

2010-01-23T07:19:00.000-08:00

Public Transportation: 1
Natalie: 0

If you're not familiar with Salt Lake City then let me just say, it has an amazing public transportion system. The problem I find is that it seems to act like an elite club where the types of people using it range dramatically but they all share this knowledge of the route of every train and bus and the times they'll arrive at their destination. These people have spent alot of time studying this and thus they have every right to sit confidently staring curiously at me while I'm in the front by the door, my face nearly touching the filthy window, wringing my hands with anticipation to make sure I don't miss my stop. I will shamefully admit that on more than one occasion I've rung the stop request too soon because I was close to my destination and overly excited, this resulted in me walking three times farther than necessary because I'm too embarrassed to admit my mistake to the driver.
I figured that if I took the Front Runner(a train that runs from Ogden to Salt Lake City) and Trax(trolly-like system running through Salt Lake and parts of Sandy and Murry) on Wednesdays to the U of U for classes, I would save alot of money on gas and miles on my truck. I've attempted this once so far and that's where the story begins.
It started pretty smoothly except that I misjudged what time I should leave my house to get to the station. I screeched into a parking spot at a diagnol with my truck and booked it across the parking lot with my 20 lb backpack. When I reached the elevator I did that thing late people tend to think helps and pressed the up button continuously until the door opened. As if this behavior would magically turn my poor planning into an emergency for the elevator and I would be delivered faster. Once on top I again booked it across the never ending bridge and down the horrifying stairs all the while thinking, "who the hell designed this, who the hell designed this, who the hell came up this layout!!!" The frantic button pressing presents itself again and you will once more hear of it happening later. The door opens and I jump in with a train scantily full of people staring at me as I gasp for air gripping the rail. I wave to everyone and smile and then this mother says to her child, "Remember honey on Monday when we had to do that? Remember running really really fast because we were late?" I darted a warm and affectionate smile and replied, "thanks." Because it's all I could do to keep from cursing in front of the child, I did get revenge though. A few minutes later the little boy asks what he should do with his gum because he's done. I interrupted saying, "Swallow it. It's yummy." I then put my ear phones in and smiled as the mother gave a look of death.
School goes by without event but it's after the long walk to the Trax station that we get alot more interesting. I had calculated it perfectly; I would walk from the LCB building to the Stadium Station just in time to catch my Trax back to the Front Runner and homebound I'd be. Well, being certain your plan is flawless tends to have huge backfire. As I walked up to the stop I arrived just in time to catch Trax and was very pleased with myself and didn't bother looking at which trolley this was. So I'm on the Trax and content with my accomplishment until a period of time goes by and it seems like the route is different but it too dark out to really tell. Another very crucial element of this particular trolley is broken I soon figure out... the overhead stop anouncement wasn't happening. So I get really nervous and get off at the next stop to find I've been on the ONE trolley that doesn't stop by the station and I'm now a good 25 minutes outside Salt Lake City in who the hell knows where.
I get on the next Trax back and ask around if I'm on the right one to get to the station for the Front Runner, one person stares at me like I smell something rancid and puts his head back on his shoulder, another friendly woman said she wasn't familair with Salt Lake(oh well then honey, you're SCREWED if you're attempting public transportation too, at least I know my way around the Valley...kind of), another gentleman was friendly, in the you-really-shouldn't-talk-to-me-like-that-because-it's-creepy kind of way, informed me I'm on the right trolley but then continues to stare at me and ask me questions like am I heading to class(yes dip shit, it's 8:30 pm and ON my way TO class)? Why out so late? What am I doing so far from Farmington?... I just kept thinking "I NEED to get off this thing before I'm stalked, raped, and killed." So at the next stop I recogized I took a running leap out the doors and he of course asks what the hell I'm doing because this is the wrong stop(I was getting out of there regardless of it being the wrong stop or a lake full of leeches), and I just mumbled something about taking the University train and thank you for the help.
I gasp and go running after what looks like a normal bunch of people begging for direction and they comforted me, gave sympathy, especially since I HAD just gotten off the trolley I needed, and waited with me until the next one came along. I thanked them and was on my way homebound again, or so I thought.
I'm now at the station for the Front Runner, which is now a ghost town because it's so late, and I see an elderly lady sitting bundled up on a bench. I ask when the next one is due to come and she shrugs and says about 9:30. It's now 8:40 and I'm thinking, "FUCK.MY.LIFE." So I sat down to continue on with homework, that was abandoned when the ink in my pen froze, yes froze but thankfully the Front Runner was pullling up. I get on and heave what would seem like the hundreth sigh of the day feeling finally safe. A scary looking girl and disturbing gentleman get on with me and sit perpendicular to me. Then the guy asks me the time, I tell him politely and he then tells me he might need borrow my phone(yeah, sure, ok ass wipe, right... I'll just hand over my phone to your ugly face). He continues to tell me a story about being drunk and waking up to find his new phone not working, all the while this horrifying girl is glaring at me. I asked him to see it and he hands it to me then keeps rattling on about things I couldn't give a care about. I look it over, pull off the back, take out the battery, remove the SIM card, assemble it all again, and turn it on. Eureka! I give the delinquint his phone back and hurry and put my ear phones in while he starts dialing numbers. The scary girl has yet to stop scowling and I started to pity her thinking maybe God had thought he was funny by playing a cruel joke on this poor thing's face.
I returned to my homework but when I looked up to turn the page I found the two of them trying to get my attention. Pulling my ear phone out with irritation the obnoxious guy starts showing me a picture on some random magazine and gives me the history on this old mobster/actor and how he accidentally murdered his wife. Fascinating right? Well it was, and the most fascinating part was the girl's hideous face still burning me with those viscous eyes. If she hated me so much, why did she help try to get my attention? This strange pair is distracted by something and I used this advantage to put the iPod volume on full blast and become VERY enthralled in an article on the History of US Economics.
God does exist, the Farmington Front Runner Station becomes visible. I packed my things and darted down the stairs with a huge smile and here it is, the part where I continually pressed the button thinking it would cause things to happen faster. The man in charge of the train says, "Oh, I'm sorry but you're too late. You only have 30 seconds to get off, didn't you know that?" I just stared at him for the longest time until the composure I had just stripped off like my friend's underwear when she's drunk and I just laughed hysterically. I laughed and laughed and laughed. The man says, "Don't worry though because in Layton(15 minutes and two cities away) there's another train heading back this way that will be at the station at the same time." Bless his soul for trying to make things better but the laughter was not coming to a hault. I give a run down of my story to the lower level of the train on the way to Layton. We get to the stop and there's the blessed said train, praise the lord! That man is the bearer of bad news again because the following words out of his mouth will be the second funniest thing I've heard all night, "Oh no, we're too late, there it goes..." "Don't worry though because another train will be heading in this direction in about an hour." I smiled sweetly, thanked everyone for wishing me a better day, and sighed once more because I was alone, freezing, hungry, tired, and just Fucking DONE with the day.
Settling on a bench I responded to my best friend's texts. I ignored the one that asked how my first day using public transportation went and continued a conversation of how classes were. I complained how my hand was very sore from taking notes and writing a letter. Her answer? "Why don't you take a pill?" A pill? A pill? Ooooooookay, that was for some reason the very snapping point of the evening and my response was volatile(thank goodness it was a text or else I would have lost my voice screaming). "Yes Katie, why don't I pull a fucking pill out of my ass here at the Layton Front Runner Station and take it to make my sore hand better." Moments later my phone is ringing, "WHAT!? WHERE are you?! Oh my God, I had no idea! I'm just sitting at my house! I'm on my way!" I was not about to argue a ride home and thanked her beautiful soul. As I got into the car 20 minutes later, the awaited train stopped for the 30 seconds and was gone in a blurr. The thoughts through my mind? "Go fuck yourself UTA (Utah Transit Authority), Go.Fuck.Yourself."

I'm looking forward to trying this all again next Wednesday.

Work

2010-01-17T11:55:00.000-08:00

Work; exert oneself by doing mental or physical work for a purpose or out of necessity.

What do you consider a necessity? What can I live off of that's necessary but requires the bare minimum of work? Why do the necessary of things require the most work? Is it necessary if it makes you happy or if it just sustains the life of your mortal body? Keeping the body healthy is keeping it happy too, right? I believe that it is agreed upon that what is necessary is subjective to who finds what necessary and how necessary it is to said person.

Regardless of how much value an average person finds in a horse, I find the worth of my happiness when I'm involved with them above most other necessities. So work now steps into play, horses are not only expensive but time consuming. The time they consume is where I find the joy but how do I go about financing them? Work, in the popular use of the word is now key, I must work to earn money and how much I must complete in order to accumulate the most dough is the objective. The less time spent working is more time with the horse but the less time spent working is less money to pay the bills of this luxury/neccessity. Where is my happy medium? What if I love my job? Does it matter then how much I'm paid? You love to work but don't make much so you have to work more but that's less time with the horses but then again you love the work. The truth is that I hate my job and I do not get paid enough, so now what? I feel like my misery on a daily basis overpowers the need for the money, but without the money I cannot afford to keep the one thing that counters the pain and suffering I go through to support it.
I endure misery to sustain my glimpses of heaven. The heaven is shorter than the misery so then is it worth it? You're next step then is finding a new way to make ends meet but in which case how and where? It's tough right now and if we pretend that I find a new place of employment, there is absolutely no guarantee of happiness there. Planning for long term stability sets in now, what does that entail? My conclusion was college and getting a degree. A degree in particular that will keep me doing things that I find fun and keep me happy. Now we're back at fun being a necessity to maintain survival and if we've looped back to neccessity then predictably we are back at the topic of work. I must put work into completing this degree and the work makes me unhappy.
So I'm now unhappy in both my forms of work and am still only enjoying the one necessity but the time spent with said necessity is now decreased 10 fold due to the 10 fold increase in work. Soon we discover there is no end to the work, to maintain what we consider neccessary and the more necessary the neccessity becomes due to the stress, the more the work will become necessary. So how do we take the break we need to regain sanity without doing work to compensate our bodily survival? Because then you're still working, though it may be less, and you're no longer enjoying what is considered necessary.
Question has now become, where and what now? Keep at it? I'm unhappy, I stay up at night tossing under the covers over the stress and over the desire to fulfill my necessary that I can't no longer devote myself to.
I'm aware I haven't worn out the subject but I'm tired of hashing it. So until I post again, stay fresh my lovelies.

Back By Popular Demand

2010-01-16T20:26:00.001-08:00

Hello my lovelies, hello my uglies I love you all. I was asked to blog again so here it is and I can't guarantee a consistancy to this but I'll do my best.